by Kevin Kelly
Michael Bay has a lot to atone for. He's become the cinematic whipping boy of bad, over the top, explosion-filled movies, which are of course also his forte. But he could rectify most of that in one fell swoop, and it's by doing something that he's already considering: killing off Megan Fox. Okay, to be fair, we mean killing off her annoying character Mikaela in Transformers. It might not make us forgive everything, but it's huge step in the right direction.
There's no love lost between Bay and Fox. She called him "Hitler" and said you had to be a genius to understand Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (was she watching an unseen Criterion cut of the film?). He had his own words to say, and had several cast members rally to his defense in a letter-writing flurry that detailed how bitchy and hard to work with Ms. Fox was. Things have escalated to a level where he's reportedly considering killing her off in the next Transformers film. At this point we're surprised he'd be bringing her back at all, because a simple "Ever since Mikaela left for that mechanics study course in Germany" line and she's out of the film.
But the fact that he's considering killing her off is deliciously evil, because it means he wants to bring her back just to kill her off onscreen. Not since Paris Hilton got waxed in the House of Wax remake have people been anticipating the demise of a celebutart. We're ready to get Halloween rolling by including Michael Bay among our best villains and suggesting some creative ways he might take care of the problem. Read on after the break and find out how Megan Fox might bite it in Transformers 3.
She's a Robot
The most obvious way for Bay to kill Fox was mapped out for us in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: make Mikaela a femmebot. Remember that thanks to Revenge of the Fallen, the Transformers can look just like humans now. In fact, they can look so human that they can get Sam's hormones pumping ... something Mikaela seems to excel at. Couple this with the fact that she's extremely good with machines, has a flimsy background (no mom, dad in jail, etc), and signs point to oil in her veins. In Transformers 3 it's found out that she's a Deceptibot, and is either called on the carpet for failing so many times that they terminate her, or she dies in Sam's arms in the middle of a ginormo robo-battle, just after confessing what she is. A single, oily tear slides down her cheek as Shia screams "NO NO NO NO NO!"
Megatron Gets Even
Sam and Bumblebee race off with Ron and Judy in the backseat on a wedding planning trip. Yes, that's right, Sam and Mikaela are engaged now, and she's wearing a ring made out of some piece of the Allspark that somehow still exists. However, the romantic comedy hijinks between both couples come to a halt when Decepticons attack and take Sam's woman. He easily abandoned her for college in Revenge, but apparently he still moans for her pheromones and goes after her. Even though he's warned it might be a trap set by Megatron, who is now Megapissed. Sam calls in the troops, since Optimus owes him a favor or two, and when the ensuing battles busts out, Mikaela dies in the crossfire to provide an emotional arc. But as the end credits roll, the ring sparkles on her finger. Oh, crap.
Roadkill
Let's face it, the Transformers are bigass, giant chrome robots. They aren't dainty gadgets you'd see on a shelf at a Japanese fanboy shop in Tokyo. These things breathe death. They're huge killing machines when they're in robo-mode, and when they're transformed they still look like deathmobiles. Either way you slice it (and I'm deliberately ignoring the moron twins from Revenge here), they just exist to splatter anything made out of meat. In a variation on Megatron Gets Even, Mikaela is captured ... but instead of holding her hostage, Megatron decides to pull a Hitcher on her. He sticks her inside a vehicle, and tells Sam he has to give up the [insert plot point secret] or she dies. Sam hems and haws and finally confesses, but Megatron has other plans. The vehicle she's in slowly transforms with Fox still inside, and Sam is treat to a front-row seat gorefest.
That's a Wrap on Megan Fox
The best way to deal with this problem? Just take care of it offscreen. Sure, you won't make the scads of Foxfans very happy, but you'll take care of your problem and save a bundle in the process. Unless she has some sort of guaranteed screen time in her contract, with a quota of at least 12 moist lip-parting, teeth-baring, open mouth shots. Barring that, Bay should just write her out. We don't even need to justify it with screen time. Sam's in mourning, since Mikaela died between Revenge and the next movie. Maybe he's joined a monastery, started living with the Autobots, or become the mainstay at sorority parties, depending on how he's dealing with it, but the main thing is that she died, tragically, before the movie opens. Thus saving both the crew, and the audience, the pain.
Mojo Goes Cujo
Mojo had settled into his life of being Sam's bitch just before Mikaela came along, and he's never been happy about it. Not only did she usurp his position, but she also took Sam out of the house, leaving him stranded with the wacky adventures of the Ron and Judy Show. He's also going through the throes of canine painkiller addiction, and this does not make him a pleasant puppy. When he digs up one of his bones from the yard, he doesn't notice strange symbols on it while he gnaws away his troubles, and accidentally ingests some sort of crazy alien plot point. It turns him into a rabid, miniature, transforming version of Cujo who has one thing on the brain: death to pouty-lipped, doey-eyed, owner-stealing women. It's a short list, and Mojo finally gets his.
